


The greatest irony

by HolyMaiden24



Category: Captain Underpants Series - Dav Pilkey, Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017)
Genre: F/M, Family, angsting over being a new dad, i think it WOULD be ironic if he ended up as a dad, it does have a happy ending, the hypnosis was eventually undone by the time of this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 12:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16218833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyMaiden24/pseuds/HolyMaiden24
Summary: No one thought that he’d ever be a dad. Benjamin didn’t think he’d ever be a dad.Sometime within the next month, he’d finally be one and it terrified him.





	The greatest irony

No one thought that he’d ever be a dad. Benjamin didn’t think he’d ever be a dad. Sometime within the next month, he’d finally be one and it terrified him.

It across as a shock to everyone when they found out–those who worked with him for so many years, and all those children who still remembered him as the child-hating, no-fun principal, could hardly believe it when they found out. Not everyone was super excited for him, and he understood why–they didn’t think that he’d have what it would take and he had done little to nothing to prove it. His notorious harshness towards children had been too well known to the point that it was a part of his identity, no matter how much you could try to erase it with time and effort. It would be a miracle if you ever saw him be nice and friendly to a child. 

Most of the students were excited for Edith–kids always got excited when a woman was pregnant. As if it were some magic miracle, they were increasingly more well behaved and helpful to her–the more they saw her body expand, the more they went out of their way to offer to help her out to keep her from overworking herself. A few third grade boys even offered to clean up the kitchen for her as long as she needed the help while a sixth grade girl wanted to help move tables out of the way so that she could sit down and not hurt the new life inside her on accident. It was so surreal and, considering the usual relationship between the students and staff, it was rather sweet (not that he’d dare admit it out loud to them, though he did appreciate it). 

On the other hand, a few staff members would take one look at Edith’s stomach and look at him with a suggestive smirk and knowing eyes. That kind of look made him angry more than those who just stared at him in disbelief as if the underworld froze over. More than once he found himself wanting to punch someone in the face for even thinking of things that were supposed to be private for him and her. It was bad enough when they whispered about him and Edith behind his back while they were still dating, but he could practically see the need to share their thoughts with each other about this unexpected surprise in their eyes. 

Some of the naive younger kids who found out he was going to be a dad were happy for him. The older kids who still remembered how he was before that one certain fateful year were horrified and didn’t dare say anything. They too seemed like the kind who wanted to discuss it with their classmates, but unlike the staff, they regarded this unexpected event as a taboo that they couldn’t touch upon within the school walls. 

Then there were certain members of his family who he knew without question that he wasn’t ready to share the news with right away who would have mixed reactions. He already had to deal with too much damage to his mental well being over the years by some of them. There was a reason he didn’t want Edith to have to deal with them and he tried his hardest to keep her away from them because he didn’t want them to ruin her like they ruined him. He could care less about what they thought. Then again some of them like his brother and his family were happy for him–glad to finally get a niece or nephew from his side of the family at last. 

Finally there was George and Harold. 

Of all the children who ever stayed in touch with him after leaving, it had to be the two who made his life miserable in more ways than one, and who drove him insane with anger. None of the children and not even Melvin ever paid a visit back to the school after graduating, let alone to visit him again. It was only if a family member of their own was attending and even then they tended to get the heck out of that school as fast as possible. 

Yet of all the students he had in the past, he never had a connection as close as with those two boys who were currently in middle school. They of all the previous children came back to see him and check in to make sure that he was ok and talk with him as if he were an old friend. While a part of him didn’t want to deal with them again, a stronger part buried deep down appreciated it. Nowadays they were someone else’s problem to deal with and they were getting taller with each passing year, while their respective talents were getting better and better. That small part that was buried deep down most of the time did miss the boys and was secretly proud of them, even if he himself would never dare admit anything outright until those moments where he completely let his walls down. 

George and Harold were among the few who were personally excited for Benjamin. They too were shocked (the sight of them dropping their jaws and looking as if they were told that Atlantis did indeed exist and was recently found was hilariously enjoyable), but they were quick to smile and congratulate him. They even seemed to believe that he could be a dad without hesitation and he was relieved–that is until they cracked one of their usual jokes. He couldn’t remember the exact details of the joke, but it didn’t do anything to soothe his internal fears and before he knew it, he was shouting at them like he used to for them to get the heck out. 

Their apology came in the form of a small tan colored stuffed bear with a red bow with black dots upon it. On closer inspection, Benjamin realized that he knew what fabric the bow was made out of–it was the exact same fabric that his curtains were made out of. 

That small part of him deep down felt a twinge of happiness, though he tried not to acknowledge it. Even as they grew up, the boys were unable to forget about _him_ and apparently they never really outgrew him. 

He wondered if his counterpart’s relationship with the boys was the closest he’d ever have to being a dad before this moment. 

If his child knew about _him_ and was given the choice between the two, would they choose the idiotic, but fun loving version of himself over... well... himself? 

***** 

If he wasn’t being terrified over being a dad, he was terrified for Edith sometimes. 

The constant puking at the start of the whole thing was unbearable to watch–why did she have to suffer this early when the worst was yet to come?–yet she refused to touch any medication, out of fear that she would risk giving the child a defect. Eventually it ended and she was able to have a laugh about it–maybe if George and Harold were still around at the school, all her puke could turn into a monster of the day for Captain Underpants to fight off. The humor helped somewhat, and he was in a state of mind where he could admit that such a thought was pretty funny and would have most likely happened if this was all occurring a few years back. (Though if anyone laid a hand on her in her current state–human or some stupid monster villain–he’d make them regret it with more than just a fist to the face). 

The more she grew, the more he grew cautious around her and tried to relieve her of certain tasks so that she wouldn’t strain herself. There were nights where he chose to sleep on the sofa because he was afraid he’d crush her in her sleep with his massive frame and hurt the life that was growing inside of her. Other nights she told him that it was ok and he was stressing himself out, just please come back to bed because she missed him so much. Some nights he was afraid that something would happen and there would be a break-in, so he wanted to sleep by her and have the alarm clock ready to throw at any would-be intruder. If there was one thing he was glad he kept from his counterpart, it was the readiness to act and show no mercy to whoever was stupid enough to lay a hand on those he did care about. 

Still, it was surreal, watching her grow–knowing that the thing inside her was changing from something alien-like and into a human infant with each passing month. He wasn’t expecting her to develop cravings for strawberries. He was fully prepared to hear her crave for something gross or an unholy combination of things he wouldn’t dare imagine could be possible and have to watch her eat it. Nope, she wanted strawberries for her pregnancy cravings. 

There were times where she herself would get nervous and afraid. She’d be terrified that something would go horribly wrong inside her, or something would happen that she couldn’t control, or that she’d dread the pain that would come in nine months time. All he could do was just comfort her and carefully wrap his arms around her from behind. He was hesitant about hugging her from the front, so he’d hug her from behind–carefully engulfing her within his huge arms and holding her against him, and just let her rest her head into him, and gradually they’d both calm down and just be able to enjoy each other in a time of peace. Sometimes he’d find himself singing to her without thinking about it (he rarely sang, and if there was one person he’d feel comfortable doing it around without holding back, it was for her and only for her) and she’d gradually drift asleep and relax before he could finally relax. 

There were times where she got excited and told him that she felt them kicking against her–they _really_ wanted to get out of her. He was so hesitant to touch her when she wanted him to feel it–a part of him wasn’t sure if he wanted to, while another was afraid that whatever inhuman strength left over from the time that he was still under the hypnosis would make him press too hard into her. The moment he finally gave in and placed a hand on her stomach, there was a small bump that hit against him from within that almost freaked him out. 

“I guess they got their fighting spirit from you!” Edith joked with a huge smile. 

He hoped so–he’d rather his child be able to stand up and not be afraid to fight back. 

But eventually paranoia set in and he began to plead to his wife (God, those words were so wonderful to be able to use) to take some time off. She worked at a school and there was no telling what could happen–a slip on the floor, carrying too heavy a pot, or a food fight with too many hazards that could ensue–so could she please take time off now? 

She didn’t take time off until they could hire someone to take over for her. 

***** 

Gradually more and more well wishers were giving them gifts in preparation for the child. It was the usual–dippers, clothes, toys, and books. Some went out of their way to give them bigger things, like a comfortable rocking chair or monitor. Even George and Harold’s families gave them some things to help them out, while their moms went out of their way to give advice to Edith about some things to expect. Meanwhile, the boys would look at him and though they never said anything, they would clearly be recalling things from the past that would either contradict what was happening or else support it, yet for some reason he couldn’t see, they still seemed to believe in him. 

***** 

There were moments were he was afraid the hypnosis wasn’t completely undone. Sure, the boys finally confessed and were able to get it undone before graduating from the elementary school and before he finally got married to Edith, but sometimes he was afraid that something would happen and he’d be blacking out once more and wake up in nothing but his underwear and a cape again–worse, it could even be during a time that Edith needed him or even when their child came, and he didn’t even want to think about what could happen if the ‘bad guy of the day’ scenario started up again at a point in his life that he wasn’t completely ready for. Even then, that fear paled in comparison for what was to come. 

Honestly, he was terrified and had no clue what to do, even if he had nearly nine months to prepare. Sometimes he had little time when he had to focus on either Edith’s well being or his work, but it was preferable to anticipating and dreading the moment the greatest irony of his life would slap him in the face. If he wasn’t terrified of that exact moment, he was terrified of the future. 

He had a nightmare about that one night after a really stressful day. 

In it, he was back in his office the way it used to be before one certain fateful year. Where he still had those ‘motivational’ posters up and that ‘hope dies here’ plaque was still drilled onto his desk. Where there wasn’t anything in there that could calm him down or make the unpleasant parts of his job more easier, like the photo of Edith that was carefully angled so that only he could see it. Where two chairs stood before his desk that were intended for two boys more often than any regular child who got into trouble. Now that he no longer had to carry certain emotional baggage with him and he felt better about certain things, he wondered why the heck he let himself get like that to begin with. It made him feel intimidated about this place, which was hilariously ironic considering– 

“So you finally let it happen–you’re going to be stuck with a brat of your own.” 

Blood frozen in shock, he turned his head to see himself in that office chair, haunched over with hands clasped together upon the desk and looking at him with something that looked like disgusted disapproval. He knew that face once–recalled scowling at it as he gazed at a reflection of a lonely, miserable, unhealthy looking man who constantly seemed to have bags and frown lines, with a brow always furrowed, and skin looking like it needed some sunlight. Those dark eyes barely had any light in them and were constantly filled with spite and disapproval. He no longer saw that face in the mirror as much as he used to anymore, but he still felt an instant familiarity as if he were still wearing it at that moment and it made him uncomfortable. 

“I guess?” He awkwardly replied with a wince, and for one moment he suddenly knew what it was like to be on the other side of that desk–like how all those unfortunate kids felt. His younger self deepened his scowl before letting out a snort and shook his head. 

“Oh you ‘guess?’” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “No you idiot, you knowingly let this happen. You know you shouldn’t be a dad–you never wanted to be one. You hate kids, remember?” 

“It wasn’t planned out!” Benjamin protested. “It happened, ok? And it wouldn’t have been fair to Edith if I made her put a child up for adoption or worse–!” 

“This was why you were better off alone without anyone!” His younger self threw out as he shot out of the chair and slammed his hands on his desk, causing his older self to flinch. “What makes you think you can be a dad?! It’s bad enough you have to deal with these kids for six hours for every five days of the week! It was bad enough that you had to deal with George and Harold for a lot of years, and those two nearly ruined your life and turned you into their stupid comic book character! Now you want to be chained to one of them for your entire life?!” 

“It’s not just–!” 

“Oh, but you know that kid will hate you since the moment they’ll lay eyes on you right?” He asked with a sneer. “No child ever loved you, so why should this one?! You’ll give them no reason to! You thrive on discipline and punishment! You aren’t the kind of person who knows how to care for a child without raising your voice! You aren’t the kind of person who’d be forced to spend a day in the park watching over a brat for two hours or would put up with repeats of whatever god awful movie they like in the background until the songs get stuck in your head! You don’t have control over them and I bet you’re too scared to be that kind of person to your own kid, or know what to say to them if they have a bad day!” 

“Hey!” He felt himself get angry and protective. “It’s your kid too, you know–!” 

“Especially if they get a defect or turn out to be even dumber than the moron! You had no clue how do deal with those kinds of kids, so what about one you’d have to deal with all the time?!” 

“Stop it!” 

“Plus how long do you think you’d have?! You waited until you were in your forties! What makes you think you’d be around to see any grandkids if you get any?!” 

“Just stop!” He pleaded as he grabbed his head and shut his eyes as his younger self smirked at him. “Please just stop, I don’t need this! I don’t need you! I’m no longer you! Why do you have to do this to me?!” 

“I’m not going to stop because you know it’s–!” 

“No, you don’t know if that’s true!” A new voice rang out, causing Benjamin to snap his eyes open and look to the side. “And I know it won’t be!” 

He didn’t know whether to be in awe or groan in annoyance when he saw someone he thought he’d never see or hear from again–a superhero in nothing but underwear and one of his curtains for a cape, who also happened to wear his face and speak with his voice, though it was higher, smoother, and full of a more youthful energy. 

“You can’t guarantee that the future is certain!” Captain Underpants frowned in disapproval. “You didn’t expect Edith to come into your life, did you?” He demanded at his other self, who stared in shock, but shook his head. 

“Look moron, that’s none of your–!” But the hero wouldn’t let him finish and continued with “And you were happier when you allowed yourself to open your heart up, weren’t you? When you allowed yourself to be more compassionate and patient?” 

His younger self hesitated. 

“I for one wouldn’t be able to wait for much longer!” Captain Underpants smiled a huge, giddy smile as he lit up–his equally familiar dark eyes were filled with a certain light that Benjamin never recalled seeing in his reflection, even nowadays. “There’s so much I would want to do with my own child! I was there for George and Harold when they needed me, and it was fun to be like a kid again when I hung out with them, and I would get to do it again! It wouldn’t be so bad, and you know what?! I’d love them whoever they were or whatever they wanted to be! Well, I would be concerned if they wanted to be a bad guy.” He frowned but then shook his head and regained his smile. “But I know you’d never give up on them.” He looked at Benjamin. “I think you’d be more than capable now than you ever were before. You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself–as long as you’re there for them, then being a dad shouldn’t be so hard.” 

His younger self stared at the hero in silence while Benjamin stared at the hero in turn. 

“I still can’t stop feeling scared.” Benjamin admitted. “You’d make a better dad, and you’re not here anymore and I don’t know what to do. It’s not even your kid that you have–” 

“Well they’re still mine if I’m a part of you, and I wouldn’t have existed in the first place if I wasn’t, right?” Captain Underpants asked. His smile softened as he placed a hand on Benjamin’s shoulder. “You’re doing fine right now. Just take it easy and be patient and go easy on yourself–I know she’ll love you.” 

Benjamin almost smiled back but then realized what the superhero just said. “Wait, what do you mean by ‘she?’” 

It was at that point the sound of the alarm clock broke though and he jolted awake. 

***** 

Less than a month later, it was while he was casually strolling around town with Edith that her body couldn’t handle it anymore and her water broke. 

Within the next twenty four hours at the hospital, it was the sound of a cry that signaled the start of a new life and the start of a new role he was to take that almost made him faint and crash upon the floor. 

He had never been around a newborn that much–the closest he got was in brief passing or whenever a student’s mother or father brought an infant along with them during a visit to the school. He had expecting the crying to sound shrill, loud, and unpleasant like he always experienced. 

Instead, the cry was soft, mellow, and sweet. He could still hear his wife crying with wonder and happiness over the surprisingly smaller cry when the last physical link between mother and child was finally severed before she could finally hold her after months of waiting. 

_Her._

It was a girl. 

That tiny, messy thing in Edith’s arms that still needed to get cleaned up was a girl. 

She was his _daughter._

“Hi there sweetheart,” Edith smiled through her tears as she gently caressed the infant’s back with her thumb as the tiny thing clung to her and rested her small head a little above her chest. “So good you finally came... we waited so long for you...” 

Sometimes when he had the chance to wonder after this moment, he realized that he had rather have wanted a girl if there had to be just one child that he could call his own in his life. 

There was nothing wrong with her–she was perfect and was just the right size. 

He was too stunned to do much else but just stare at her. Yet the moment the nurse took the child away to give her her first bath and she cried even harder then before at the contact with the water, he suddenly wanted to punch the woman in the face and get the child back to Edith because that was _his_ child that wanted to be returned to her mother and no one had the right to hold her except his wife or even himself. 

It wasn’t until the nurses finally cleaned her off that Benjamin could finally hold her with all the caution and gentleness that he could summon from within his normally huge, destructive body and there was no way in heck he was going to let them take her away from him. If they even dared to send her to that one display room with all the other infants, he would start a yelling fit, because he wanted her to stay in view of her parents. If anyone was going to pull a ‘switched at birth’ or ‘kidnapped at birth’ scenario on them, they’d end up with more than a black eye from him. 

It was only when he could sit down beside Edith and everyone else was gone that he could relax and look down at his daughter. She was so tiny that she barely fit the exact length of his massive forearm–in fact, his hand could easily cover her entire head and more if it were possible. She was now in a peaceful sleep and looked like she was comfortable in his hold. 

She was wrapped in a white cloth with red dots on it–he once considered that color to be a curse for a very good reason, but now it had a new meaning for him. She looked so pink and she had a wild, soft mess of dark hair, yet she had her eyes shut so he didn’t know what color her eyes were (and he wanted to know so badly at that moment). One careful touch of the side of her face with his finger revealed to him that she was one of the softest things he had ever touched, and it was so hard to believe that he was touching human skin. He could tell just by looking at her face that she was probably going to look like her mom in the future and he was thankful for that because she didn’t need to get any of the features he had that he used to dislike, like his nose. 

Edith glanced at him from the bed with a tired, yet happy smile. “Well? What do you think?” She asked. “You haven’t said a word.” 

He keep staring at the infant in wonder. “She’s so tiny!” Was all he could croak out. “I didn’t think she’d be that small!” 

“That’s not what it felt like to me!” Edith let out a laugh before she smiled again. “No, she’s just right.” 

Eventually Edith had to sleep, but she let him hold their child for a little longer. He sat down in a chair and could not tear his eyes away from his daughter. 

_His daughter._

____

“Uh, hi?” He awkwardly asked. “I guess I’m your dad now? I know I’m not the best dad that you’d probably want.” He admitted. “But I guess if I work at it, maybe I can be a decent one. Just... please go easy on me?” 

____

At that moment, she finally opened her eyes. Not fully, but enough to finally look up and see him for the first time, and he almost felt his heart stop beating for a second. 

____

It was his own eyes he was seeing. His daughter had his dark eyes. 

____

For once, those eyes he had seen whenever he looked in the mirror–eyes that were once so spiteful and disapproving–looked beautiful to him. 

____

It then hit him–he helped create her. The man who was once so against creativity and fun, could barely tolerate children, and who at one point was the living form of a ridiculous creation between two children, had created something he now could not live without. 

____

He let out a smile as she wiggled her way in the blanket to get as close to his body as she could and snuggle up to him. “It’s nice to finally see you too.” He admitted as he held her a little closer and finally could relax after what felt like forever. This was one child he knew he’d love with all his heart and never give up on, no matter what. For once in what felt like a long time, he was happy to get to be a dad and have his own child. 

____

**Author's Note:**

> I think the greatest irony I could inflict on this character would be to have him end up as a dad. 
> 
> Also, while my head canon name for his daughter is Alexandra, I didn’t want to outright say it in case anyone had their own head canon name for her and wanted to imagine her as their version of Edith and Benjamin’s child. 
> 
> And... yeah, my headcanon is that Benjamin WOULD eventually get the hypnosis undone. There’d have to come a time when he wouldn’t need CU anymore and I think it would have to be before the boys had to graduate.


End file.
